Summer 2014.

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I know it’s been a long time since I posted anything. I thought that by now I would have things more figured out. I mean, on paper it seemed perfect. I was controlling my diabetes with diet and exercise. I was making more intimate connections with friends. I had gotten a part time job in retail in order to become more independent and void out some of the financial burden on my parents. I had finished another year at college, working towards my triple bachelor degrees, and finally feeling whole that this was the correct path. I was so afraid to start my major’s class sequence because I was scared that I wouldn’t like it or worse that I would be mediocre at best. But, it wasn’t like that. No, not at all. I completely fell in love with marketing from the very first day. I knew what I wanted. I knew what it was like to feel complete, to know exactly what I wanted. I pitied people who still didn’t know what they were doing or hadn’t found what their true calling was. Everything just seemed to make sense. It was kind of common sense how easily it was for me to memorize—no not only memorize, but understand as well. I felt on top of the world.

Then during summer vacation, without a place to exercise my mind, to be with other like-minded people, I started to suffer. My retail job, although physically demanding, does nothing to satisfy my mental thirst. My brain feels numb from repetitive tasks. I want to learn, to make myself work for something complex and rewarding. I started working full time since it was summer, and at first it was okay, but then I accidentally injured my back lifting heavy equipment. It is too expensive to pay for an MRI at the moment since they are asking for $1000 for my deductible so I have been living with excruciating pain for the past several months. It damaged a nerve running down my leg, which has made it very painful to sit or walk for very long. Thankfully, I was able to get narcotics from my doctor to relieve some of the pain, which is unbearable working retail.

My second mistake was selling my reliable but old Geo Prizm. I wanted something newer with better MPG due to my daily hour commute to Portland for school. After heavy research, I decided to go with this seemingly nice and trustworthy looking dealership, Royal Moore, in Hillsboro. After a quick test drive, I decided to take that beautiful 2004 Honda Civic Hybrid home. I filled out the paperwork, excited to finally have a better car to commute in. It drove fine for the first 5 days only driving to and from work, less than a 5 mile commute each way. Then on the 6th day, I decided to take it to a real test drive and drive to the coast with my friend. On the way back into Salem, it started to jerk and shutter. I was only able to drop off my friend and cross the street before it gave out. I had to get it towed home because it would not accelerate at all. I took it to the Honda dealership the next day and found out that it had numerous problems. The transmission was slipping, the catalytic converter had a history code for failure, a few parts from the drivetrain had fallen out, and the guards to protect the motor were missing.

When I went back to the dealership, they were unwilling to take back the car since it was in working condition when I had left with it and I had opted out from the 2.5k extended warranty. I argued with them that it was not okay and that the salesman had told me that it was in good condition. Their response was again, that it was in working condition when I left with it and they can’t spend money on luxury items (such as the guards to protect the motor).

I have filed a small claims suit against them, and I’m hoping to contact a lawyer soon to see what my options are. After turning on the car today, I realized that the IMA battery is almost dead from not using it for over a month. If the battery dies then it could completely discharge and will have to buy a new battery; a 3k bill.

Sometimes, I feel so numb and unconnected from the world. Why me? I am doing everything right. I don’t drink or do drugs. I am one of the brightest persons in class. I work hard on my academic life. I sacrifice hanging out with friends and spending time with my family because I want to be the best at what I do. Soon, I’ll be working on top of my course load when classes start again. I still have to figure out how I will pay for the gas using my mother’s SUV to drive to Portland everyday and learn how to park in those incredible tight parking spaces in the university’s parking structures. I had enough trouble parking my small sedan. I can’t imagine how it will be with the SUV. I am starting to lose hope, waiting to see what will happen with my car case and leg. With only a month left, I really hope at least something gets resolved.

Until next time.

GLASS ART

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Dangling in the air so fragile

It can break at any moment

Living in a world so senile

Swallowed by the devil’s serpent

Dancing so beautifully, trapped

In its own box, hiding away

Unaware of life beyond its tap

The days are just faded shades of gray

 

Will it break?

Will it break?

It’s a lost art

It’s a glass art

Will you break?

Glass art

 

Long ago, the beauty was whole

Shining so brightly like the sun

When it fell in a dark, black hole

Splitting into two halves from one

The cracks left behind on its skin

Broke the smile and the spirit

The scars separating the twins

Wore the flesh so thin of the fearless

 

Will it break?

Will it break?

It’s a lost art

It’s a glass art

Will you break?

Glass art

 

Night came and ate the first half raw

While the second blinked its blind eyes

Oblivious of its cursed flaw

The glowing fireflies had died

The summer never came again

Fall stayed with its bleeding colors

As red painted the guilty end

Of the last suicidal lover

 

Will it break?

Will it break?

It’s a lost art

It’s a glass art

Will it break?

Glass art.

 

Hanging in the air so fragile

It will die at any moment

Dying in a world so senile

At the bite of the sly serpent

Behind the despair of the trapped

In their glass house far, far away

Afraid of the life beyond their tap

The broken pieces have turn dark gray.

 

It is broken

It is broken

The glass art

The lost art

Lies broken

Dying art.

 

 

War (Has Killed the Saints)

 

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Faces covered in paint

Who are they anymore?

War has killed the saints

Scarred them to the core

More, more

They want more, more, more

It’s war

 

Innocence is gone from their eyes

They’ve seen it all

Blood and murder stain their lives

The rise and fall

They sleep with cold skeletons

Dying to feel the adrenaline

Finger inching towards the trigger

The killer inside snickers

It’s war

 

Faces covered in paint

Who are they anymore?

War has killed the saints

Scarred them to the core

More, more

They want more, more, more

It’s war

 

No longer humans they smile

Oh humanity

Living like standing on trial

What a tragedy

Inside we are just poor animals

Suppressing our inner cannibals

Does another life really matter?

It’s an art, so contagious like cancer

It’s war

 

Faces covered in paint

Who are they anymore?

War has killed the saints

Scarred them to the core

More, more

They want more, more, more

It’s war

 

They’ve been to hell and back

They know what’s waiting

Head, legs, and arms slashed

The restraints are fading

And no one remembers their names

Because to them, they’re all the same

Marching with empty dreams

Machines getting by with any means

Its war

 

Innocence is gone from their eyes

They’ve seen it all

Blood and murder stain their lives

The rise and fall

They sleep with cold skeletons

Dying to feel the adrenaline

Finger inching towards the trigger

The killer inside snickers

 

It’s war

It’s war

It’s war

 

Faces covered in paint

Who are they anymore?

War has killed the saints

Scarred them to the core

More, more

They want more, more, more

It’s war

 

 

 

And the war has killed the saints. 

Give me a reason.

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Can you hear my voice whispering?

On the ground with my wrist glistening

I can feel the end coming soon

Dying in this dark and crowded room

Can you hear me?

My voice is getting softer

In what do you believe?

Will heaven be any better?

 

Give me a reason to live this life

Watching the earth commit suicide

Give me a purpose to stay alive

With heaven and earth on split sides

Give me a reason

Give me a reason

Give me a reason

 

I was asleep for so, so long

I didn’t see any of the wrong going on

I lived shut away from the world

I was so blind in my own twirl

Shake me awake

From this looming depression

Snap life a second take

Get off at the next intersection

 

Give me reason to live this life

Watching the earth commit suicide

Give me a purpose to stay alive

With heaven and earth on split sides

Give me a reason

Give me a reason

Give me a reason

 

Dressed in gold at their funeral

Leave their bodies clammy and cold

But with a smile on their lips

Heaven is so close so they slip

What more can I see?

Every corner is the same

Our ashes lead to the sea

Only when we die does it change lanes

 

 

Give me a reason to live this life

Watching the earth commit suicide

Give me a purpose to stay alive

With heaven and earth on split sides

Give me a reason

Give me a reason

Give me a reason

 

People standing here all around

Each one’s wearing their fool’s crown

Unaware of my diming existence

Worshiping God with unbounded persistence

Too blind with devotion

Should I stay or should I go?

All seeking salvation

My heart is beginning to slow

So I ask

 

Can you hear my voice whispering?

On the ground with my wrist glistening

I can feel the end coming soon

Dying in this dark and crowded room

Can you hear me?

My voice is getting softer

In what do you believe?

Will heaven be any better?

 

Give me a reason

Give me a reason

Give me a reason

Give me a reason 

Highway 205 Drive

Highway 205 Drive

If you haven’t taken the time or perhaps you haven’t even thought about visiting Oregon. The visit is now. Experience Oregon during the fall and you’ll never want to go back to your hot, summer California (or anywhere else). No one can beat an Oregonian drive to SE Portland via highway 205.

I mean, you don’t even need editing for this!

I want to be normal.

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Who’s that stranger in the mirror?

Suicidal thoughts stare back

Less than human, she’s inferior

I’ll smash it till I crack

I will be normal

 

I want to be perfect in your eyes

Bury the truth underneath lies

Erase my name from my skin

Run my colors till they’re thin

Till they’re dull

It’s society’s pull

Help me I want to be just like you

Black or white

But pick a side

I want to be normal

 

Who’s that stranger in the mirror?

Suicidal thoughts stare back

Less than human, she’s inferior

I’ll smash it till I crack

I will be normal

 

My mind is drifting into darkness

Staring at myself, at its rawness

So fragile like a glass ceiling

My layers are peeling

Naked, it’s a cage for my abnormality

Trapped, I’m an animal in its totality

Take it away

I’m afraid

I want to be normal

 

Who’s that stranger in the mirror?

Suicidal thoughts stare back

Less than human, she’s inferior

I’ll smash it till I crack

I will be normal

 

 

Let me drown with the rest of you

March in line with my mouth mute

Cut flesh to break free from my prison 

Normalcy is life’s greatest lesson

I’ll march this walk

To death we flock

If you die, let me die

It’s individuality’s suicide

I want to be normal

 

Who’s that stranger in the mirror?

Suicidal thoughts stare back

Less than human, she’s inferior

I’ll smash it till I crack

I will be normal

Dear College Commuter

Dorms. New Friends. Independence. The Experience.

Oh, wait a second…

Dear New College Commuter, 

(This sounds a lot better!)

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The first year I transferred to Portland State University, I felt disconnected from my peers and my classes because I had canceled my housing application and decided to commute to school instead. The living expense to live in this beautiful city was way out of my reach, and my parent’s fixed income wouldn’t stretch any further. (Trust me, I tried.)

What I had been dreaming of and working for, for the past five years of my life had suddenly become so distant and unattainable. It taunted me with its sly, enticing smile, laughing at my misfortune. I envied my peers. They didn’t have to wake up at the crack of dawn and drive for an hour or an hour and a half to get to class on time. All they needed was 30 minutes to roll out of bed and walk the 5 minutes distance to class. They could stay up all night, talking to their new friends because it didn’t matter. They didn’t have to go anywhere. They could go to all the events and activities because they had the time to. Not only that, but they had the chance to live in eccentric center of Portland, where everyone dressed in second hand clothes they purchased from the thrift shop down the street, ate pizza and drank beer, and hung around at coffee shops all day long. It was everyone I had wanted.

It wasn’t until the final trimester when I finally started to come to terms with being a commuter. I began to talk to people outside of class and began hanging out at the (can you guess it?) at the cafes! 

Well, now it’s day 9 of my second year here, not counting weekends, and I am still a commuter, and I don’t mind it one bit. Sure, it’s more difficult to meet people and be motivated, but you get the sweet satisfaction of saying “hasta la vista, baby!” to your school when you leave for the weekends and everyone else is stuck there whether they like it or not.

As it turns out, the people (Mary and Anna) who I had met in first term of Spanish at PSU are now the greatest and coolest friends in the world.  Anna is an artist double majoring in art and Spanish, and Mary is a linguistic major minoring in Spanish, planning to graduate next term. Although they are a bit older than me, especially Mary, it doesn’t feel force. It feels natural as though I had known them for years. We laugh and talk about the most hilarious things. On her trip to Mexico, Mary sent us postcards and invited us over to her studio apartment over on Mississippi St., on the other side of town, to celebrate our birthdays together. (Our birthdays our even close to each others! It was the best triple birthday EVER, but that’s another story.)

I know it’s hard adapting to commuting everyday, and it’s hard making friends, but don’t give up. It took me a year to realize this. Stumbling and failing is a part of the journey, but you’ll always be able to pull yourself up again. Friends won’t come to you, and it won’t be as easy as meeting new people through you roommates or walking into the dorm lobby and starting instant conversations with strangers, but it’s possible. Hey, maybe you can’t move this year or even the next or EVEN the one after that, but that’s okay. The college experience is whatever you make it out to be, and who knows? Maybe you’ll find a nice, part time job (which I am currently waiting for a second interview for.) and might be financially able to move to campus or live on your own. It might seem fun and exciting to live in the dorms, but if you can’t afford it then why stretch yourself out? After all, when you graduate, you won’t have to worry about a $30,000 debt for having lived in the dorms (everything else excluded). You’ll be significantly in better standing, and when they struggle to make the minimum payments on their loans (because remember interest accumulates, depending on what sort of loans you applied for), you’ll be able to afford to live in the REAL world.